The Cottage Cheese Stands Alone...

I love summer. 

I love the small (the middle between summer and fall) 

I love fall. 

Not a fan of spring. Awful allergy inducing, rainy, constant shat of weather. Windy, cold one day, hot the next. Zero idea of what to wear to work...spring SUCKS. 

And don't even get me started on winter in Illinois. BAG OF DICKS level, suckage. 

Hate SO much. 

Summer is my jam. 

Yes, it's hot. Yep...fat girl. It does not mix. The humidity is awful. That corn sweat is definitely a thing. 

Underboob, underfupa, underarms. Sweaty, gross, mess, stinkage. 

Oh stop cringing...it's not like you can't relate. 

I mean, unless you are a skinny chick/dude. In which case...whatever. Enjoy the icicle snot rockets forming under your nose in the cool of a properly air conditioned home. 

(If you keep your thermostat higher than 74 when it's hot-don't invite me to your terrarium, you lizard.) 

Anyway, my point. 

For this summer lovin' girl, or old lady-whatevs...

I don't show my legs in public. I also love to swim-super, a lot. 

But, refuse to be in a swimsuit in front of anyone. I don't even like wearing one around my husband-who has the daunting everyday mission of seeing me actually naked. 

I'd rather him see me starkers, than in a lycra prison that pushes every lump, every wad of curdled cottage cheese, every stray pubic hair, every roll of chub, and every dimple from every part of my body look as if it is straining to escape from a sausage casing of my own making. 

Period. 

Why are swimsuits so awful? 

But besides the fact that even the shapewear ones, or the ones especially made for us rotund ladies don't help at all-why can't swimming pools, or spots (besides lakes-eww...who wants to swim with the fishes-not I.) allow you to just wear a pair of shorts and a tank top? This could be a conspiracy-I'll do the research later. 

I'm not even a fan of shorts, tbh. 

I have some, yeah. But...my legs-whew. I digress. Avoid. 

But, I would happily wear them to a pool. Comfort, firstly. Secondly, yep-it's not a sausage casing. 

Anywho. 

Here's the thing. 

Women of a certain age tend to start to just "be okay" with parading around in a swimsuit looking like-well, see description above. And, it makes me super envious. 

I'd like to be able to do this, too. 

And as lovely as I think it is that you ladies can do this-even at 54, I'm just not there. 

I don't understand why. 

My husband, whom-I joked about earlier-re: seeing me naked, actually seems to-- blech...like it. I know how self esteem works, and in all things mental, etc-I'm there. When I'm clothed, I'm usually okay. I have the flaws that are glaringly obvious, sure. But-the person that matters looks past them.

He loves me. 

It's what love does-gives you permanent beer goggles. 

And here's the VERY weird thing...I truly don't give two shits what other people think about me. I mean that. 

But in a swimsuit...all bets are off. 

I am acutely aware of myself, and others. And I see myself looking down at my fupa, my legs, my flabby arms, my awful, bumpy, skin. All of the things. 

And it's really less about other people, than-well, ME. 

I am my own worst critic. 

And it's stupid. 

WHY can't I just enjoy the heat by a cool, blue, pool, and relax and appreciate the season that I love so much? 

I see younger women who are really-much larger than I enjoying pool time. They just don't seem to mind. 

And I kinda understand it. They have grown up in a different time, when men and even younger men have given into their actual appreciation of "big girls" or "thicc girls" or "phat girls" whatever. The time of NO fat shaming, the PC days of-it's okay to be big, as long as you are okay with it, yourself. 

Whereas, I grew up in a time where fat was worse than bad hygiene, worse than being physically unappealing-facially, worse than-well...anything. 

The seemingly ugliest people I knew. The cystic acne-ridden, the unclean, the bad-haired, the nerdiest, weirdest, whatever...people-as long as they were not FAT-were going on dates, had S.O's 

The people-mostly females-(post for another time) who were even just a little "chubby"-well, the cottage cheese stands alone. 

So, the stigma of it all could have left some residual puke upon me, who knows. 

I just want to get to the point where, like the rest of the old, fat ladies, I can chunky dunk in a pool-or even sit by one comfortably in a floral sausage casing and enjoy it all. Soak it all up-the sun, the season, the moments.

I shouldn't care. I get it. 

But, I am still sitting in my air conditioned house, with jeans on-and it's 95 degrees in the shade outside. There are pools-public-nearby, and I could never. 

I'm super jealous of you-if you can. 

I wish this post had a moral, or that I could give you something that ties it up into a tidy little bow for you. But sometimes, there are no wise words-just the heart and word purge. 

I still love summer. 

But swimsuits are dumb. 

And some day, maybe, you'll catch me by a pool just living my best life in something I could never. 

Until then-I guess the central air unit is working overtime. 

I mean...in jeans. 

My feet are kinda cold, tho. 

Last thought-

"And I said to my body softly, "I want to be your friend" My body took a long breath and replied, "I have been waiting my whole life for this..."

-Noe 2025

Fat floats, 

T