You can't swing...

...A Fendi.

See this...it's a fake. 

So, I am watching a movie called "Her" starring Joaquin Phoenix and Scarlet Johanssen. (my all time girl crush) And it made me think of something.

I'm watching a date scene between Joaquin and Olivia Wilde and as they are making out, she stops suddenly and asks: "your're not just going to fuck me and never call me again like the other guys are you?"
He answers: "No. Absolutely not."
She counters: "Cause, you know...I feel like this time in my life I can't afford to waste my time-when am I going to see you again?"

With this, he obviously recoils. (duh, right?)

She claims he is a creepy guy and walks away.

I mean...

This made me think a lot about baggage. The scene was brilliantly acted by both parties, and what it said out loud was ridiculously true to life.
The dynamics between men and women in this day and age mirrors a lot of what it was like for me to be single.
You crave companionship and love your whole life. Not, platonic love-family, friends etc. You want that connection that only comes with a lover-whether it be male, female, etc...
But what happens when you find it-like it drops in your lap?

Before my husband came along I was dating a lot. I had some long term relationships that ended terribly, despite all attempts to make smoother landings in that vein.
They ended this way mostly because of my inability to embrace change. Whether I really was happy in the relationship or not-I have a tendency to hang on with my claws until (what then becomes-the bitter) end.
So, there was always an end no matter what-and it changed me.
I kept looking ahead too far with every prospect and it made me ridiculously needy and clingy.
Until my last big breakup...which I did hold on to for far too long. I let him drag me around like his fucking puppet for 3 years-waiting for him to:

1. Grow up
2. Fully commit
3. Love me in return
4. Quit looking around for the bigger, better, deal.
and
5. Realize that I was good for him.

He never did. And after that, I was absolutely done.

The switch was flipped inside me.

There was suddenly no clingy behavior, or desperation. There was acceptance, and anger, curbed with bitterness. But, there was nothing else.
I dated...and shuffled every guy off pretty quickly-finding fault in every move, every facial expression, every poor choice of Polo shirt color.
Minuscule details-were suddenly deal breakers.
Red flags were everywhere-littering the landscape like Count Vlad's impaled bodies on a Romanian battlefield.

I was no longer like Olivia Wilde's character-looking ahead so quickly and wanting, wanting, wanting.
I had gone full circle into Mr. Hyde mode.

Either way...it was just another form of baggage wrapped in a different label. From Chanel to Fendi, I guess. But, bad knock-off Fendi from a back alley somewhere, and a guy yelling: YOU BUY NOW!

The point is, we all have that breaking point. Years of dating, bad breakups, bad choices, and bad behavior can turn you into a shell of a person pretty quickly. I had no recourse, there. It just happened.
And it happens to so many of us.

Like Olivia's stellar portrayal of a desperate Singleton grasping for a real connection and using sex-to get there. Much like me, back when.

Baggage can just destroy your ability to see the Forrest through the trees and be yourself. Better yet, love yourself enough to leave the bags in the trunk and shuffle off onto greener pastures.

Luckily, I found someone who had the same fears, and the same wall. And we spent 3 years breaking through it.
I still have days where my independence is stronger than I'd like it to be. And I forget that there is more than just me and my son to consider now.
And truth be told, we have argued the point at length on occasion.
But, all in all...he forgives me for it because he understands that the struggle is real for me, given my past.
And honestly, his too.

It took a great deal of mutual understanding to sift through that pile of fake Fendi's, let me tell you. But-when I met him, something changed. This was so much easier than every other thing out there, every failure, every circumstance of the past. They say in fiction that you "just know" and every jaded bone in my body tends to fight convention and fictitious storybook schlock. But, there I was-forgetting all of that and realizing that this time-maybe-it was non-fiction and I had to stop fighting it.
When my wall fell, his did too and that, in itself, is a miracle. Like the myth of the simultaneous orgasm-sometimes life surprises you.

Rarely. I'm still a realist, what can I say.

Baggage is there to destroy your hopes. And even if sub-consciously you are the very person who created it, it takes an act of faith and God, as they say to destroy it.

So the message here might be this.

If you are struggling, feeling lonely, feeling utterly alone (because the two are NOT mutually exclusive) just take a breath and remember who you are.
Find a happy middle ground between the clingy doormat, and the bitch on wheels. Be true to that sunny girl of 16, but bring your wisdom with you. In a REAL Fendi, not a fake one.

I had a very hard time with this, but I have faith that most of you who read, are much smarter than I am and also thinner.
Assholes.

I kid, sorta.

Perspective. I like that shit.



I carry a Liz Claiborne, currently. No judgement.

Purses is love,
XOXO

Me. 

They say the sky...

...is bigger there.

So, back from vacation. Arizona sun. Arizona heat. Arizona mountains.

It's weird. You can literally change climates within 2 hours there.

And we did.

I won't bore you with highlights, I'll just say that we really did have a great time. There was so much to do, and even more to see. It was a needed break from reality.

And, you know...there was the pressure cooker atmosphere from family: When are you moving here?

The thought had occurred. But honestly, the dust...the heat...the traffic...the cray tempo of the big cities. I'm not entirely sure it's for me.
Sure, no snow...no butt ass freezing temps, and practically zero pollen does appeal. But at the same time-it just doesn't behoove me to live where the air conditioner runs-every day.
The elevation of the mountain cities wasn't kind to me either. I swelled like a damn balloon. Worse than Florida.
Not sure what the deal is, but my body doesn't like other climates. It just freaks out.

That no grass thing? That's weird too. It all looks so barren...

So as for visiting, sure. I'm game.

To live? I'm not sure that's my jam.

Time will tell when we get closer to retirement, I suppose.

But what happened while I was there...now that's something to write home about.
Well, actually...it happened the day we left.

I got a part in a play. A really cool play. Ray Bradbury, actually.

And 60 people tried out for roles...for 15 parts (not including the extra parts-ensemble, chorus, whatever you call it when it's not a musical)
And I got one.

I'm beyond thrilled.

For many reasons.

1. I grew a pair and actually went through with the audition
2. I am a self doubting weirdo.
3. I, not even for a second, assumed I would get a part...and I did. A good one.
4. Now I can say that I am a doer, and not just a teacher. My students (speechies) will have a deeper respect for me in that respect, as it were.

I'm pretty scared, tbh. But, nothing I can't handle.
Memorization has never been an easy task for me, so learning the lines might be a bit if a challenge and the worry that stagefright will also make me forget-there's that too.

Again...self doubting weirdo.

And the really awesome, albeit surprising thing was the amount of support I got after I announced it at that self-aggrandizing social media shit show.
People were really just fucking brilliant.
Sweet, supportive, wonderful, so many sugar coated descriptives.

And because you spend so much time at the aforementioned shit show above, you often forget that humanity-or at least the small subset of humanity you surround yourself with-are generally good. They really want to see you succeed, do good things, expand yourself (figuratively...not literally...although, I am good at the latter, as we all know)
Fuckin' donuts.

I mean, you see so much of the negativity-even in the real-non computer facing world-(the airport is a great example of douche-fuckery in that vein) but when you see the good stuff, man...I'll tell you what-it's like a little slice of heaven on a chocolate frosted long john.

Speaking of a little slice of heaven-I'm watching Blade Trinity and Ryan Reynolds shirtless as I write. Sorry, I got sidetracked. It's easy when you are seeing what I am. I mean, when it's really hot outside...like retarded hot-like it is in Arizona...my thermostat reads: "Ryan Reynolds"
Nope. Not. Kidding.

Sorry, tangent.

Anyway...faith in humanity restored. People can be awesome. More often they aren't. Typically, they suck.
Last week, they didn't.

I mean, I had no idea that people legit gave a crap about my successes, or my failures.
You get desensitized to everything as you get older...you start caring much less about what people think. But when it's a support thing and a positive high five-y thing. Well, perspective just floors you.

That's nice.

And I'd say that I wish it happened more often, but honestly for me...when it's happening all the time it tends to lack the sincerity factor. It's just a gob more satisfying when it feels heartfelt-even if it is a change of pace.

So, I'll take the occasionals.

Anyway, I'll let you know more as it goes.
It's a new thing...but knowing the theater community as I already do based on my job...I'm sure I'll have many stories to tell down the road. Hang on to your hats, cause it's going to be a funny-ass bumpy ride, kids.

Oh and, no weight loss info to report...I'll weigh in again in a couple of weeks after I get back on track from the splurge that is indulgent vacation. Sigh.
I had desserts, and cocktails. Delicious ones. Now, I have to work backwards to remind my body that we don't want to be a fat pig anymore.
Good times.

Embracing my "thespian" lifestyle
(don't judge)

XOXO

Theater girl.

Copy and paste the link...

Trust me.




https://www.facebook.com/JungleVT/videos/2787924331349391/

I'm just...

...going to leave this right here. 

You suck, brain. 

XOXO, 

The struggle is real-girl. 

Queen of...

...the double wide.

(Or, How Langston Hughes was kinda stupid)

Wow.

It's almost been like...a month since I posted.
Sorry, not sorry.

I have been busy, and really...make no apologies about that because it's a damn sight better than the alternative which would be all kinds of time to think of shit and spend hours blogging.

So yeah.

Updates.

No changes in weight...at least, not as of today. I haven't stopped anything, I am still on track-with maybe just a smidge less exercise. I said I have been busy, don't judge.

I had my son home for three weekends in a row, which keeps me moving...I have been working quite a bit and recently the in laws landed back in town and wanted to spend a ridiculous amount of money fine dining us. It's what they do. Eating moderately healthy has been a chore, but we don't see them enough, so it was worth every piece of crispy fried chicken skin and filet mignon. I mean it when I say, I regret nothing. 🤷‍♀️

That said, though...back to real business this week. They have boarded their jet plane and headed back to the place of scorpions, cacti, and rattlesnakes.
Rattlesnakes are a thing in Arizona, right? I think they could be.

This kind of looks like Arizona, doesn't it? 

Speaking of the desert, we will be going that direction soon. The rents' as I like to call then in sheer millennial annoying fash-are buying our love and gratitude by flying the hubs and I out West for a full week.
We're stoked. (that's another millennial word, cool, huh?) And I am not saying WHEN this is happening because, hubby gets paranoid about being burgled. (yes, it's a word, and it actually happens...especially in Peoria)

So that's a thing that happened, and you know about now. I know, right? You are feeling blessed because of it.
STFU, I never said this blog was always going to be funny and interesting, people. You might get one genuinely good post in like ten. 😳

And then this...

Last week I was scrolling Facebook and saw this charming little house for sale. A friend's place. Super cute and damn near exactly what husband and I want for ourselves at some point...
So, husband sorta half jokingly says: ask him if he'll sell it contract for deed.
I did.
He referred us to his home loans lady and from there things spiraled wildly out of control.
What, with all of this nasty irresponsible past and surfing off the grid- sitting like the worst wall cloud in tornadic history directly over my head...you know,  it was a fucking storm. With hail and ugly metal skirting flying overhead in the damn trailer park.

But, there we were.

Jump ahead to one week later...still no thumbs up on financing, and now the house has a an active offer on the table and us with zero leg to stand on.

Yesterday-the house sold.

Today-loan place calls and tells us no...and to wait a year and circle back.

Circle jerk, you say? Yeah, that sounds precisely like what just happened. I mean, I think, anyway.

So, as I stumble forward in my disorientation- pull my lawn chairs out of the windows of my car and find the garbage cans that have flown down the street, and stop to brush my hair cause now it looks like the storm blew my entire head straight up my ass...and the local news may want an interview of survivors...
I take a breath and wonder-wtf?

Why did I let that happen?

Hopes went up kids. And that's like, NEVER good.

I feel like I stupidly got caught up in a false thing. And I knew better. That's really the worst of it.

Yeah yeah, one year. And who in the hell knows if we will decide to hold our breaths and jump into that Goddamned cesspool again at that time.

I felt really bummed for a minute because isn't that supposed to be the dream? Owning your own home.
Yeah, at 25. NOT 47.

So, really...the pressure was off. But, I'm still not totally sure how any of it happened.
It was legit THAT fast.
#quicksilver (comic book nerd reference, yeaaaaah boy)


I maybe regret trying. Maybe.

See, here's the thing.
Before I actually gave the lady the go ahead to check and calculate etc...I had been driving around a lot that day and well, damnit. I seriously hate you for making me admit this-

but...as I was driving there were signs.

Not metaphorical fucking signs.

Like, physical signs...billboards and signs.

And I swear I am not making this up...every single one says something like this:

"GO FOR IT!" 
"You miss 100% of the shots you DON'T take."
"Your dreams come true with taking the first step!"

I felt like I had landed in the world's biggest Successories store.

Or the store actually punched me in the face.

But, this really happened.

And for a damn 15 minute span, I was all like: Yeah! Why not! We can do this! It could happen! It will be awesome! Woo HOO!

And then after 15 minutes...I felt similar to someone who just did a consecutive 5 whippets and was suddenly coherent again and going-
"I did WHAT?"

You know, panties in your purse, hair a mess (all tornado style and stuff), one heel broken, hobbling down fraternity row walk of shame moment. Head bowed in utter remorse and eat-your-feelings self loathing.

Because I knew what was coming.
T-Rex devastation.

But, it was too late to turn back at that point. And there we were.
All bent over and exposed.

So, out of all of this, in all seriousness, we learned a lesson and got some idea of our limitations.
In a year we will "circle back" and see what we want to do. Only two years closer to 50! Let's buy a crib, yo! We'll definitely die before we pay it off and then, fuck it, right?

I swear I did NOT audition for The Big Short.
But I did do a bad hair day interview about the big storm that ate the entire trailer park.


Ugh.

So that's what's new in my world. The desert, home loans and bad storms-decisions.

Huh.
That sounds like a cool title for a really bad smooth jazz album.

Life is a circle...just keep goin' round

Now for a new song off of the album :The desert, home loans and bad storms-by Ship of Fools.

XOXO,
Dream (deferred) girl

Shutup, I like poetry.