Shit Just...

...Got real.

Hi.

My name is Teresa and I am still fat.

But, FYI...I am now crushing the new diet. For realsies.
I have walked over a mile every single day since we got home from Florida.
I have been massively UNDER my calorie goal every day.
And- for as bitchy and jaded as I am most days..I am having all the feels about it.


My calorie goal is high. I admit. I am doing this slowly. And for as much as I want to see a visible change, I honestly think this is the reason I have failed so miserably in the past. So, as they say...slow and steady (apparently) wins the race.
I am not weighing yet.
I made a vow-no weighing for at least 2 weeks, and maybe even a full month. The scale tends to make me obsess negatively. So, I decided not to make myself feel bad if it's only slightly changes. I am a terribly impatient person by nature.....so waiting to weigh in will keep me at least a little positive in light of things.
I already had a mini sad moment today when I put on a pair of shorts from last year, and they didn't fit. It was like pushing a cream puff through a key hole. Fat doesn't tuck, trust me on this.
I can wear them, but...they would be too tight and possibly rip out. I was hoping they would fit enough to wear, but nooooooo. Sigh.
So I threw on my workout shorts and went walking.
That was a big motivator, I guess and kicked my large ass into gear.

I have to say, since we have been walking-I have had more energy throughout  the day, which is nice.
But, I have also been having trouble winding down at night to sleep.
I need to really make a better effort to meditate-I know.

Here are the few things that recently changed.
My husband is on board with me now, for one...
He has been a pushy pain in the ass, tbh. But, it was really the very thing I needed to really make me accountable.
He realized he needed to also shed a few when we were in Florida, and his parents commented on his belly. (it's a wine and beer belly...and not easily avoidable in your late 40's for any man...even with his ridiculous energy levels and metabolism)
He will probably drop the weight a great deal faster than I will, I know this-there will be no surprises in that vein-but, as long as he is with me on portion sizes and watching me closely with choices...it will still be OK.

It has grated on my nerves a bit-the constant monitoring-but, I am not disciplined at all...hence the reason I am in this predicament to begin with, and he is extremely disciplined in everything he does. We balance each other out really well-precisely why I know that I married well. (Aside from his hotness and the fact he plays a mean gee-tar, that is)

The second change was that yesterday was a hard day for me.
Not diet-wise. That was on par, pretty well.
It was an emo-ridiculous day.
Last year, (yesterday to the day) I lost one of my best friends to a heart attack due to obesity and lifestyle.  She was like a sister.
And we went to her husband's house to have a year anniversary celebration of her life with tacos and booze.
If you knew her, you'd understand why this is awesome and why she would have fucking loved it.
And we talked to her husband, who is also a very good friend about her death, about her life, her family and all of the awesome memories we had together. I walked away from him with a smile, trying to hold it together. Even after one year, everyday it stings so much.
I miss her.

But, while sitting there talking and realizing that her final cause of death was due to her weight and sedentary lifestyle...I set down the third chocolate chip cookie that I was dangerously close to inhaling without a thought... (which was like the best thing I have ever eaten, by the way) I hadn't had sweets or chocolate of any kind all week up to this point...

While the cookie was good, the thought that I could still have my friend if she had eaten less of these things really hit me hard, and I struggled all day and night to keep the tears at bay.
What the fuck have I been doing?
I had a heart attack myself last year-damnit. It's time to fix it.
I want her back-which isn't possible, I know. So instead- I want to live to miss her.
That sounds kinda shitty, Yeah..I get it. But I refuse to leave my son before he has had his own children, like my parents left me-riddled with heart disease and diabetes.
Do you hear me?
I fucking REFUSE.

And maybe a part of my awesome always giving of herself bestie leaving us had a purpose in some small way.

Fix this shit, Teresa.
Exercise and get healthy for your son, and for your friend, for your husband, and Goddamnit. For you.
It's time.

Shit just GOT REAL.

So, rest assured..when I do weigh myself, I will share.
In my heart I know something shifted last week, and yesterday in my life.
And the shift...is because you need to do it when climbing a hill-otherwise, you get nowhere.

I cannot wait to coast down at the other side.

I may still be the fat girl. but I will be healthy, and it won't kill me.

God willing.

I had soft serve chocolate fro-yo tonight as a reward for the all of the hard work, and it was like ambrosia. It's amazing how much more you appreciate that kind of food when you cut it out for the most part, eh?
I'm tired, but excited. Here's to being a better me, I guess.
Stay tuned.

Feeling like fat Rocky,
(you heard the theme song in your head, too-don't lie)
Bravegirl.