I Was Told There Would Be Donuts...: It wasn't all...

...About the oranges.

Yes, it is I...back from the land of beaches and sunshine.

Well, more like the land of robo-trippers, divided highways, and panhandlers. (the people and the profession)

The land of Dixie.

I was indeed in Florida with my husband for our daughters wedding. It was a lovely little ceremony and reception-on a tight budget. I am very proud of the girl for pulling it off, frankly. She is such a great kid.

But, without all of the sentiment-highlights of the trip: all of the behind the scenes crap. The good stuff. Or at least the funny stuff. I'll let you be the judge of that, I suppose-because I crack myself up all of the time.

And, to clarify...none of the below is fictional. I legit couldn't make this stuff up. I'm just NOT that great of a writer.

1. I fed a giraffe. A real live one. He ate romaine lettuce out of my hand, and out of a plastic cup. It was just the best. I can now cross-"feed a real live giraffe" (my favorite animal) off of my bucket list. He had a really long tongue. Many jokes were made. Go me. Yes, I AM sheltered. Shut up.

2. We passed the same prostitute driving through Pensacola over 6 times. She was a thin, blonde woman who apparently likes to dance on the highway and entertain the older black gentlemen that hang out at a shanty-car wash. We're friends now.

3. I ate lobster. A very large, very sweet, and delicious lobster tail with drawn butter and lemon. Seafood in Florida? Hell you say! Anyway...it was delicious.

4. We watched a four man brawl break out in the middle of a busy highway between Pace Florida, and Pensacola Florida. They just got out of their big trucks and started fighting. I can't be totally sure but...one of them looked suspiciously like Connor McGregor. He won.

5. I ate the best burger I have ever had in my life at a place called the Tin Cow. Seriously-it was like some kind of southern voodoo ambrosia. I ate until I was literally sick, and almost comatose. I regret nothing. It's called vacation for a reason.

6. At our lovely hotel (which I will tell you more about in just a minute) in the parking lot, we encountered a **robo-tripping** female sifting through the dirt for cigarette butts to smoke, and to panhandle. She was jerklily moving through the lot, in pseudo-pirouette. It was almost graceful. Until she smiled...and showed her half-eaten black teeth. Yum. As a matter of fact...you couldn't swing a Coach bag in downtown Pensacola without hitting a panhandler.

Panhandlers, panhandling, in the panhandle. It was all really too ironic for words.

**robo-tripping= To be in the dissociative state induced by ingesting excessive amounts of dextromethorphan (DXM). This chemical is most commonly abused though the consumption of cough syrup, which contain DXM for its antitussive (cough-suppresant) properties. The name is derived from the common cough syrup brand, Robotussin. People who are under the influence of DXM are also known for their distinct "robo-walk", a jerky walking movement caused by the lack of sensory control.

Robitussin is a helluva drug.

7. Airplanes suck when you are fat. That is all I have to say about that for now.

8. Navarre Florida has the best beach in West Florida. Pensacola doesn't even come close. So if you travel to that area...stay in Navarre. Trust me...it was beautiful-and much less crowded.

9. We went to a place that charged 80 bucks for a ribeye steak. Yep, you heard it right. $80.00 USD. Nope. We left. For that price, I better see you killing the grass fed cow, skinning it with a Wusthof knife, showing me exactly where you are cutting from, and preparing it tableside. I also better NOT see one piece of silverback or gristle. Hell, you better chew that shit for me for $80 bucks.
Bye Felicia.

10. I swelled up like a sodium filled balloon while there. My ankles were no longer ankles and had zoomed right past the body part into a new one. Cankles. Yes, I literally had cankles. It was annoying and actually painful. My fingers swelled up like sad little sausages too. My wedding ring was on my pinky for most of the trip. Something about Florida doesn't agree with my body apparently...it happened the last time we visited.

11. All of the highways are divided. ALL. And you have to make U-turns instead of getting into a turn lane and turning where you need to. It is the goofiest set up I have ever seen. Also...Florida people suck at driving. But then again...most people can't drive. Everywhere. Period. Yeah, I said it.

And those were some of the highlights. The main attraction was the wedding honestly. It was a lovely temperate day, the bride was stunning, my granddaughter was the stinkin' cutest in her dress, and the ceremony was quaint, short, and sweet.

Now for the bad stuff.

I mentioned the plane, right?
First off and to reiterate-I'm fat in case you didn't already know. Plane seats are not made for fat people. And all of the planes, save one- was a commuter plane. This is an airline buzzword for a tin can that flies. Small. Cramped. Uncomfortable. Claustrophobic. It was not a pleasant fight there.
And then, the rental car fiasco.
We had to spend money for a cab to get to the rental place...because someone screwed up the reservation. When we got the car finally...it was broken. We had to return it the following day.
There's more...but I have already written 3 letters of complaint today-so you get the shortened version.
Then...the hotel.

We already touched on the parking lot dancing and cigarette scavenging, but the room itself was just the best! (yes, I am letting my sarcasm demon come out to play here)
Gross.
It. Was. Gross.

Dirty beyond measure.

And we were in a package deal...so we had to deal.

Fun.

At one point, I seriously considered going to Walmart and getting some cleaning wipes and cleaning it for them. But, cleaning wipes won't fix the smell of 40 years of stale cigarettes. Only paint and new carpet will do that...and sometimes even that won't work. Sigh.
The bottoms of our feet were black from walking on the carpet...after 5 minutes. Black. Not brown, not a little dirty. Coal black. Like stepping in a damp swamp in the middle of a hotel room. I could go on again here, but won't. Letters of complaint and all.

But, beyond that-we had a pretty good time. While everything above was true, they were minor things compared to the good parts.
The hugs from the grandbaby, the romantic walk on the pier after dinner, the wonderful food at every turn (again, shut up...it's a vacation) The beautiful wedding, the beach, the ocean, the hot tub, and the company. Family. What it's all about.
And yes, I did take my swimsuit. And I wore it in front of people. And lamented the fact that I was swelled up so bad, I couldn't walk down to the beach. (it sucked) I wore it. But avoided the mirror like the damn plague.
No one stared at the freakshow in the polka dots...so I made it through that at least.

Now, on to a possible trip to Arizona in July (nothing set in stone yet)
and the vow renewal and stay in our favorite B&B in Galena in October with friends and family. (we will be celebrating our 5th anniversary)

Counting the days for that one.

Now to hunt for a job. More on this predicament later.

I was so glad to be in my non-damp King sized bed last night. Home is good.

More later.

XOXO,
Midwestern-Girl.

Oh, some pic highlights below. Enjoy.

My grandbaby: Wedding ready.