Swinter Slump

It's late for me. 

It's approximately 11-ish and I'm still up typing. 

Not gonna lie, I'm spiraling a bit. 

It's not anxiety-this time. It's a little bit of blue. 

The world is a scary place right now. And there's personal stuff to contend with. 

One, my son is struggling himself-but he refuses to talk to me about it. He's pretending-and I think, omitting information from me. My mom spidey-senses are tingling and no one seems to take it seriously, but me. 
They say I'm just being ME. But, I know something is afoot-and I don't like it. 
Adult babies are no less stress-inducing than the diapered ones-if you still have littles, you'll see. It's coming. 

Secondly, things are changing with my husband's job and he's internalizing it. Not in a good way. He's pretending too. 
It's been...worrisome. 
I'm not going to go into details because it's not my story to tell, but-neither of us likes change very much. He and I are both creatures of routine. So, this is tough for him to maneuver. 
And I'm just sitting her waiting for the crash. Because it IS coming. 

Work is work. No changes there for me. Other than the long weeks ahead leading up to spring break. I'm also nearly out of PTO for the year because-doctor appointments ate them all up early year. So now, I'm navigating possible losses in my checks because there are a lot more appointments to come. 
One good thing is that I don't have to necessarily worry about job security, at least. Missing work is acceptable for the most part if it's for a good reason. And, I was smart about it-knowing how the year looked for me, health-wise, and spoke to my administrator about it in the early year-knowing I'd run into this. 
So, this is the least of my worries, really. 


I will say, being at work today made me a little uneasy. 
This war situation has me a little shook. And if it isn't doing the same thing to you-you aren't paying attention. 
Yeah, in my little corner of the world-where I teach, there's a pretty small chance of a bomb landing or anything that BIG. But at the same time, it's conscientious to also think about the extra wacky cult folk being reactionary to what might be to come. 
We are looking at all outcomes about what this person in the white house is doing, and how he could very well be on the losing end of it all-in some way. Be it, the Epstein files, or an angry extremist group retaliating for what has already transpired. Or the blue wave swallowing him up in November. 
Either way, his fate could absolutely be sealed. 
His house of cards is crumbling before him-and his panic is sending our entire country into a headlong tailspin. 

It's all very dramatic. 

It's also very REAL. 

The things we rolled our eyes about ten years ago, and dismissed as satire are happening-and it's untenable. 
The jokes that were writing themselves are not so funny, after all. 


Oh and, I have to go to the dentist tomorrow. And not for a cleaning or anything easy like that. A possible filling or two...which means a numb mouth and lips for hours. I know, most people appreciate the numbing, and don't get me wrong, I do as well...because drilling near a nerve: YEOWCH. 
But, the numbing part always takes far too long to leave my system and Novocain always makes me a little queasy. 
I'm not a fan. 
But, if something isn't done about this one sonofabitch of a tooth...
Grr. 
And it's my last upper molar on that side. 
I'll be a toothless fart sniffer before these teeth decide to calm TF down. 
The irony is, I take excellent care of my teeth-but, gum disease, plaque, and decay is genetic. 
Thanks mom and dad. Jerks. 
So, dental crap has been the bane of my existence for a VERY long time. And I feel like I am fighting a losing battle. 
Annoying. 

Oh, and there are always health woes.
Always lousy with the malady, me. 
I likely have a hiatal hernia. 
After years of this gastric struggle-enough book learnin' and self doctorin' has all come to this. 
It's pretty likely that this has been coming on for more than a decade-and my fucker of a stomach finally decided to poke his troublesome five head through my esophagus. 
Asshole. 
My stomach is an asshole. 
It really is. 
Ask me about my other sorta kinda hernia in another place.
Or, don't. 
It's gross. 
Doctors are also assholes. Incompetent, overpaid, jackfuck, gaslighting douchebags. OOH...that felt good. 

So, these are all of the reasons for my blue mood. 

I hate this time of year. The phase between winter and spring-I call it SWINTER. That's my clever limit for this post, sorry. (SWINTER-My two LEAST favorite seasons, I might add) 
But this section of the 12 months is awful. 
It's grey out. ALL. THE. TIME. 
It's not cold enough to stay dry and not affect my sinuses, or my edema, or my vertigo-but it's still cold. You know what I mean? 
And then the temp will jump up to like 65-ish one day and fucking SNOW the next day. 
You have no clue what to wear to work, and the evenings are just so blah. 
Added to that-no long weekends, and a full 30 day trudge into spring break-which always takes FOREVER to come. 

Add to this boring and blah bullshit-a heady mix of world war, disgusting pedophiles, husbands work woes, my sons secretive avoidance, the fucking dentist, my asshole stomach and my stomach asshole, and you get ME. One blue, grumpy cocktail-ala' Teresa. It's like Malort. Plug your nose when you shoot it. It's literally the worst thing that you'll ever drink.  

I have been staying in my cave (my classroom) with the lights out like a boring version of teacher-Quasimodo because I am bad company right now. 
I'm just not myself. 
And, to be clear, this is NOT empathy. 
I'm a little sociopathic this way. 
I'm not like other people-I don't absorb their struggles and feel down because THEY do. 
It's likely just because I don't feel happy. 

Well, to be honest, I rarely do. 
Don't come at me asking questions about this, either. It's a part of my personality to always be just a little miserable. 
It's charming. 



I didn't choose the bitch life, the bitch life chose me. 



I have things in my life that a lot of others don't-and I know this. I'm not stupid, I understand perspective. 
I just don't practice it. 

I'm also selfish. Hello. 

So, while at some point, I hope a piece of good news falls into my lap and not some karmic plane turd falling from the sky- 
(Those things will kill ya.) -I am also anticipating that it WILL get some sorta worse. Because when it rains, it pours. 
Not in the Midwest, however...we're a prairie fire waiting to happen, currently. Womp Womp. 
This has been your Debbie Downer moment. 
You're welcome. Don't delete me. 
Anyway...I'm 100% sure that a little snippet of "pleased" is the only thing that's going to snap me out of my swinter slump. 

I like making up words. 
The anthesis to swinter-is small, in case you were wondering-which is my absolute favorite section of the 12 months. 
Yes, that means the armpit of summer and fall. 
It's a little sweaty, but we use deodorant around here. 

Oh look at me, going on, again. 

I wish I was a drinker some days...

But alas. I have to drown my sorrows in Pepsi and sarcasm. 

They go down rough, like Malort-but help me sleep at night. 

Last thought: 
"The problem is not the problem, the problem is your attitude about the problem..." 
-Captain Jack Sparrow

Oh captain, attitude is all I have left this week-and it's only Monday. Womp Womp. 

Goodnight, 
-T