Typically-September through February, I spend it coaching high school speech-which is my passion. I love everything about it and usually wax on--at length about the season, the love of the kids, the triumphs, and the failings. I love it...truly. But could it be truly considered a career? No. Not really. It's part time and seasonal work. This part time seasonal work limits my availability to work a full time job, or even search for a career in my field of degree-marketing. As a young'un, I wanted to be either 1. a teacher, or 2. a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader, 3. an actress, or 4. the owner of my own business-restaurant or bar. (this dream started later, in my early 20's after working for SO, and I mean SO many idiotic managers and owners)
Obviously after the chubby set in-the dreams of becoming a professional Cheerleader were squashed. You know, pushing 175 after graduation-it wasn't an option. And really...can you imagine? Nope...me neither.
The actress thing obviously didn't pan out-for many reasons, mostly, um...talent and you know that need to actually be able to memorize things.
The business owner thing actually happened. I owned a restaurant, and currently "own" a social media marketing business, and a cold food catering company and event planning service. I don't have any customers-but, hey...they are all mine. Ugh.
The restaurant...I miss it. And would do it again, in a heartbeat. But money...yeah, that pesky stuff.
So we were left with teaching-not that it was ever my 3rd choice, the others just filtered out naturally.
I took some ED. classes out of high school and planned to jump right in.
Until they said...3 full semesters of algebra.
My comfort with higher math is even less than my ability to grasp rote memorization. So, that dream was shelved as well. This one was much harder to let go of, honestly-but it didn't take long to figure out in later years that maybe...I made a mistake. I should have hired a tutor and stuck with it. But hindsight-as they say.
So now-I coach. I do the next best thing to teaching. And before you glass half full folks start chiming in with: "It's not too late!"
It is.
Look, I checked into my educational options...and it seems that even with the drastic teacher shortage-the state I currently live in-AKA...cesspool of political corruption and massively fucked weather patterns-makes it really difficult to become a teacher, and also requires a pretty large path of math, and even a re-take of the SAT. (I didn't score particularly high on it my Junior year, sadly) And frankly...I just don't want to go back to school. I mean that. I was there for literally 17 years. No, not exaggerating. And while I would love to explain why...this is for another post.
So...my point.
I work the seasonal coaching job-which hinders finding a full time gig, and I work another part time job for a local dance studio as an administrative assistant-10 hours a week.
The rest of the time, I flounder.
Yeah, I said flounder.
Like a poorly prepared sea creature on a paper plate. I flounder.
I write, like right now-occasionally. I surf facebook, I play some PC games, I do housework, I plan my dieting adventures, I work out, or do yoga, and...flounder.
Maybe this is my mid-life crisis?
I don't know.
And that's JUST it. I don't know...
Don't know what I want to do, don't know who I want to be, don't know.
Narrowing it down...
Here is what I do know.
I want to be healthy, and I want to be a good wife, and a good mom, and I want to make more money doing something that is not thankless, and makes me at least a little bit happy.
I'm working on all of these things pretty steadily-except the money.
I tried the office job thing and it seriously does not work for me. Either the stress, or being chained to a desk made me miserable. I can't do it, no matter how much I tried to make it work.
I tried going back to bartending. But, I couldn't make this work for me either...After owning your own place, it is really just too difficult to go back to taking orders from a dimwit you know you can do the job better than-period.
Really, the coaching is the only thing that makes me happy work-wise...and the possibility that I could have my own restaurant again-but turning coaching into a full time job is just as impossible as raising the funds to buy our own building and start our own restaurant.
And so...the rut.
I don't know what to do.
I scan and apply for appealing jobs weekly-but nothing ever comes from it.
Mostly, I just feel large and worthless.
Look, it's not a pity party-its real stuff. And I don't expect anyone to feel sorry, or give me advice about it, really. It's just words on paper. What a blog is supposed to be about.
I don't even have the wherewithal to formulate a list to get on track-but I think a lot about it.
This was tragically un-funny or even the slightest bit interesting, but...I can't be funny or interesting all of the time-even on paper.
I'm just so sick of thinking about it. I'd love to put a plan into action, but...as far as I understand-you have to have a plan first.
Sigh. Rutting like a pig.
XOXO,
Rutgirl.
No comments:
Post a Comment