I Was Told There Would Be Donuts...

...and you choose to be salty. Ever watch The Family Guy? No? Ok, well there's a segment in a few episodes that is called: That really grinds my gears. Peter Griffin essentially explaining what pisses him off. Today, it is not that ball-chinned moron. Today's segment of What Really Grinds My Gears has been brought to you by MY FAMILY. With limited commercial interruption by Nestle Semi-Sweet chocolate chips and The Napa Valley red wine growers. There will be chocolate fingerprints on my keyboard, and a red wine stain on my Ernie Ball shirt after this, Count on it. Oh shutup...I'm allowed a snack. So, before I start, I will preface by saying...I love my family. I love them all dearly. They sometimes make me crazy. (today) and sometimes make me want to choke them (today) and sometimes kick them-hard (today) and maybe poke them with a sharp stick (today) Ok, Not ALL of my family...but a select few. You know that meme that circulates around Facebook o...

...is bullshit.  So, I checked my BMI and calculated it. I'm obese.  This is something I knew, but...here is what I didn't ... Apparently, for a woman my height-5'9 and a half-ish.  Yeah, I'm tall too. If you watched the movie Deuce Bigelow-I'm the "big bitch" that you never see in full camera.  I promise it's me.  So, what I didn't know was that-to have a "normal" BMI...I have to weigh... Get this- 160. One hundred and sixty pounds.  To put this into a frame of reference for you, I haven't weighed 160 since I was like, um...I dunno...SIX.  So, when I saw this insanity they call: truth in healthy weight-I recoiled.  What in the bloody hell? 160?  My goal was to lose 50 pounds...which was lofty in its pursuit...or so I thought.  70 pounds is not impossible, I know. But damn... These are the times that make you wonder...How did I ever let myself get to this point? I mean...

...we have cookies. The pitfalls and dangers of parties and family gatherings. Those of you puzzled by this statement, either have no family, and friends... Or...you are lying to yourself. There ARE, in fact, many dangers associated with parties...IF you are pursuing the daily struggle to lose weight and be healthy. I was invited to a graduation party today-for one of my students. She's a favorite of mine, I won't lie. She's not going far next year...which is a huge relief-one less loss on my shoulders. That's the thing about teaching...you lose kids every year...so it takes some hardcore thick skin and the ability to hold your tears. Which, I suck at. But, it's a learning curve. Anyway...back to the story. At this party there was a lovely tray of chocolate chunk cookies-homemade. Tollhouse variety, I'll bet. I grew up on my Aunt Wanda's Tollhouse cookies. So, they are essentially another form of crack. (we spoke on this before) Crack i...

...Was wrong. So my birthday gift was great. I mentioned it before. A digital scale that measures weight, body composition, fat, etc... A nice scale. It doesn't work for me. Apparently, you have to stand statue still and if you shift your weight even a millimeter-it scrolls back and forth on numbers and just picks one at random. Fuck. So, what I thought was a 16 pound deficit-was not. In an effort to gain understanding of a correct weight...I accompanied my hubby to his physical therapy appointment and asked his therapist if I could step on their scale to be accurate. It wasn't calibrated. It didn't work either. Damnit, man. So, since my own GP is close...right across the street, I decided to see if they could let me weigh in there. They have a jumbo scale. Proper and steady. The conversation went like this: Receptionist: Hi, how can I help you? Me: Um...weird request, but Dr. G would like me to monitor my weight because of my fasting blood sugar, I...

...Who make headbands and bad food. Everything Rachel Ray makes on her show is a little gross. or a little stupid, or a lot fattening and high in calories. I mean...why do I gotta watch WTVP to see healthy recipes? Does network TV not grasp the health trends? Well, if you happen to be one of the other cool 6 of us who do watch WTVP...or PBS for those who have zero clue... Create channel specifically-you folks who are cool like me know that you have to navigate that channel pretty particularly-even IF they do a better job in that vein. But you must be wary... Cause this: 1. Pati's Mexican Table. 2. The Jazzy Vegetarian. 3. Make Your Mark. 4. The Katie Brown Workshop. I'll comment...just give me a sec to breathe and not spew too much venom. We'll start with the least to the worst annoying (those above were in no particular order, fyi) The least annoying of these four shows is The Katie Brown Workshop. I find her personality snitty, and her works- talent...

...Including Moderation. So, the husband doesn't understand about moderation. Or, my lack of it. Meaning this. I can't eat half a fucking donut. Said in my best Veruca Salt voice: "I want the whole donut, daddy...you must give me the whole chocolate frosted ring, or I shall scream!" Donuts are like the worst possible thing you can eat-ever. Imagine if you will: Deep fat fried dough, dipped in sugar, and coated in chocolate frosting or glaze. Typical fat content: 1 million times infinity.  (This would make a cool wrist tattoo, conversely...a donut with an infinity symbol in the hole...I'd totally do that, just sayin...) Calories: 280 EACH. That's like an entire meal for me, these days. No, I'm not even close to kidding. So, while hubs and I are walking through the grocery store this evening (you know how we do on a Saturday night in oldsville...we hit the  club  Wal-Mart and do that shit up right. Poppin' mad tabs in the low-carboh...

...Is for old people. So,  because today is my 30th birthday (ok more like the 17th anniversary of my 30th birthday) My husband asked me what I wanted for dinner. Being on this diet adventure, pizza is not on the menu, as you can easily imagine. Pizza happens to be my favorite food outside of chocolate and lobster. Pizza is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy, It's not beer. It's pizza. Is is because I said so. Benjamin Franklin was wrong. Have you ever seen that meme with the little kid coloring...and it says: "I fucking love coloring!!!!" Gimme a sec, I'll post it: Funny, huh? Anyway, this is precisely how I feel...only about pizza, not coloring. I like to color too, but the level of passion isn't quite the same. I will choose pizza over sharpies any day, just sayin. Pizza is like the best thing ever. So, when I requested pizza, and was granted this wish, we chose Monicals Pizza. It's local, ridiculously expensive, an...

...Much like growing old...is NOT for sissies. PE#1 (prospective employer): Can you lift over 50 pounds for over 6 hours a day? Boxes of books and such? Me: Yes. I can do that. PE#1: Oh. Um. OK. Well, I'm kinda looking for a guy-its a full day of lifting. Me: Ok. I understand. PE#1: Sorry, I should have been clear. Me: No worries. Good luck in your search. PE#2 The position you applied for in the office is filled, but I have other positions in the store that are available. Do you have any restaurant experience? Me: I have a great deal of restaurant experience, would you like to review my food service resume? PE#2 Yes, please. Me: Great! I'll send along to you. (two days later) PE#2 I reviewed your resume and regret to inform you that we have no open management positions available at this time. The open positions we have available are typically counter and drive through-which we find you to be drastically overqualifie...

...Wear Capes. I can appreciate the upcoming holiday for the most part. I mean, I love my son-and love my daughter. They are by far, the best reason I can think of to carry on-even when life seems long. (which isn't often, to qualify) But, Mother's Day always sparks a bit of melancholy for me. Ok so,  My mom. She's dead. Ok, ok...I am not leaving it there-relax. My mom...who I judge, a lot. Yes, even though she's gone. I still do it. I think of my skills as a mom and hers and think-OFTEN- that...my mom could have done this. She could have accomplished this. She could have been better as far as I am concerned. She left me with so much shit-as you have probably seen in my reading. My neurosis is SO deep. My anxiety, my fear, my negativity, my coldness, my jaded and misanthropic nature, my inability to connect with people, and my anger. The shit. Sometimes I look at her picture on the wall, and I don't feel sad...I feel pissed off. And then guilt becaus...