Weekly yay or nay.

Read this:

I have decided to do a weekly thing. Basically, I am going to pick apart memes, post comically in yay fashion, about an article, or rip it to shreds. 

Fun, huh?

Look. I spend too much time on the cesspool of Facebook. I know it, you know it, and the world knows it. It's a guilty indulgence. But, one I make no apologies for because I have anxiety. And because of this...the escape of the non real world in this shiny little box is the thing that takes my head away from whatever is freaking me out on any given day. Also, Facebook is part of my job. I do social media stuff among other tasks as an operations manager for a local company.  So, there you are. 

So, I see a ton of "dank" memes. And a ton of "fake news" and even more fundamentalist religion posts and crazy Trumptards spouting something about how that one Mexican guy is stealing their neighbors' job....🙄

It's like almost 100% of the newsfeed, kids. 

However...It's not as bad as my anxiety is. 

Yes, that's sad, I know. Don't cry for me, I'm scrappy. 

For instance-Today, I almost chewed the inside of my cheeks off at the other necessary-evil cesspool of Walmart because of it. They are remodeling, and it was busy, and people-en masse (especially Walmart customers) suck like a Dyson Airblade.  My husband had to pull me aside and make me focus on him and kiss him to distract me from literally considering going Waterboy on 2 specific clerks who were standing there...talking...not working-with crap all over in the aisles and 10 people trying to maneuver past. Bumping me, Pushing me with their carts, and no one saying excuse me. The people are bad, but the clerks standing there talking- rather than clearing the aisle was infuriating. I had a mental scenario of me grabbing the loaves of bread and tearing them open and pitching bread slices at every person walking by like a pissed off baboon. Only throwing bread...not shit. 

I'm not that bad. Although, I have a sneaking suspicion that throwing shit would effectively clear the aisle. 

And my ass isn't red, it's white. I don't sunbathe. 

Food for thought. 

Sorry...tangent. 

So, anyway-via my blog...I decided to-much like the Empire-Strike back. (nerdy star wars reference) You'll have that sometimes, although...it is usually a comic book thing, but the Vader thing fits today. 

So the first article is the one I posted above.

I used to love Cracked Magazine. I was a faithful reader and hearty-laugher for years. The snark factor alone was seriously the best the net has to offer.
But, for the past few years I have noticed a massive slide in material.
It's not funny anymore.
It's still plenty of tongue-in-cheek humor, but lame tongue-in-cheek.
Nothing clever about it. It's like poking fun at the retarded kid...too easy.
(Shutup, I never said this blog was PC-I'm fat, and am OK with being called FAT. Because, it is what I am)
Enough qualification.
Cracked Magazine sucks.

Yep. I said it.

It is no longer the mag of 10 years ago, with the brilliant article of bad ass Bible verses, or the 20 worst presidents, or damn...there really were so many awesome, piss myself laughing articles.
Now, it's come to what you see above, which I will get to in just a moment.
First, the less important reason it now sucks.
Because they have gone political. And not in the good way.
Look, I don't like it when businesses or even magazines or any media decides to pick a political side. I think that should stay in your own wheel house. I mean...why would you pigeonhole yourself into that one side of viewership/readership?
Isn't a business about money?

I'm a believer in capitalism, what can I say.

So...being a true middle of the road cruiser, myself-seeing the liberal agenda there on a daily basis and leaning as left as they can...it has left a bad taste in my mouth-so now, coupled with reason #1...bad writing, bad articles-it is now OPEN SEASON on Cracked for week one.
Damn, I hadn't intended for that explanation to go on that long...sorry.

The article above is more like something out of Cosmopolitan...right next to the quiz about how high your eyebrow arches should be, or how many martinis should you drink before a big job interview.
You think I'm kidding about Cosmo. I'm not. In my 20's it was "so insightful" and now: Schlock. Schlock and partial nudity wrapped in bad fashion.
Maybe I will buy a Cosmo and do that next week? There is comedy gold in dem der hills.

Anyway, the article above is one I saved for awhile. Because it is tragically stupid, un-funny, and ridiculously wrong. You know, I'd say...get a sense of humor plebe...but, it's not funny. At ALL. So, it's not even really a spoof. Just obtuse, non-facts disguised as sarcasm-all poorly written. Like most of their articles these days. Lame.
This one asks the question: why would a successful, pretty, woman ever agree to marry a guy like George Costanza.
If you didn't watch Seinfeld...this part could be confusing-you have been warned.
We know George was a tool.
We also know that he was shallow, vapid, and losery to the nth power.
(I said a math thing...wow)

This stems from women. Maybe successful. Maybe pretty. But, mostly a little desperate.
Women of a certain age-at least here in my neck of the woods can get a little eager-for lack of a better term-in their late 30's to lasso them a man.
No, I didn't leave the word "good" out by accident.

Ever thought about why men hold all of the Goddamned cards in that area? I don't have an answer for that, but...how many women really want to flip that script? Do you really want to be the woman who has the responsibility of making that decision on marriage and settling down? I mean, Independence is one thing...but I was always moved by the man choosing me. That's some real stuff there. He could have had his choice, really...because women want marriage a lot more than men. (oh shutup...it's true and you know it!) But, that guy...good looking OR not...could have asked 3-5 other women in his lifetime to marry him, and he chose me. ME.
I would never want to take that away from myself. But, I'm just one chick.
I admit I am a little traditional in that sense. I don't care.
So, Susan says yes. She says yes because unless you look like ScarJo, or Angelina Jolie, or Christina Hendricks-you can be pretty, but not ScarJo pretty...and never get that one guy to ask those 4 words. It makes a girl a little crazy.
Sure, it's a little nutty sounding. But, let me clarify.

Men.

You choose wrong.

Most of you (with the exception of my husband, of course)

You choose the wrong women.
And we stand there in the fucking friend-zone going...fuck me, another one bites the dust.
He laughed more with me than he does with her.
He was himself more with me than he is with her.
He was happier with me. I know he was.
We are compatible.

And now, he is with her. And they are engaged. After 3 months. I was with him for 5 years. Asshole. 

So, when a douchebag like Costanza asks you...you say yes. Because now you are a clingy, baggage heavy, desperate, bio-clock ticking, slutty idiot...with permanent beer goggles super glued to your face.

Because...men.

And don't you dare say anything about loving yourself. I preach that, myself. But, I am also 47 years old. In my 30's there was no self love (Unless you count those lonely stretches of celibacy)
It was all kleenex, unrealistic chick flicks, and Ben and Jerry's.
The only chubby hubby that was offering at that time in my life.

And this is a LOT of women-don't act like you don't qualify, whatever.
I don't believe you.

Men choose wrong.

And here is the crappy, non-funny article that pokes fun at that very thing.
I have three words for you...
Fuck you, Cracked.

You are no longer funny, or relevant.
ZZZZ.

I answered your entire article-here.
(please refer to an image of a person dropping a mic)

That's week one.

The venom is strong in this one.

It's been an edgy day.

Next week maybe I'll review something I actually like. Who knows.
Depends solely on my mood.

Until then, don't read Cracked. Just don't.
Unless you are a liberal minded person who likes terribly written articles, and ones that try way too hard to be funny but completely miss the mark.
If that's your thing...go for it.

The rest of us will be over here laughing at you (not with you) because you are.

Good times.

XOXO,
Bittergirl.