So. I'm a loser.
Settle down...not in the everybody feel sorry for me way. I don't mean, like...total loser. Lonesome loser...etc.
I am a loser of things.
Things like jobs, especially. To be fair-I never lose my keys. But, of course since I just said that-I probably will now. Awesome. Thanks.
In the greater scheme of things, losing a job is not always a terrible thing. Sure, it can add stress to your significant other, and to yourself in the financial aspect. But when you weigh it...some stress is vehemently worse than others. Work stress over idiotic shit is the worst. And yeah...much more soul sucking than the eventual financial setbacks. I have lived in both worlds, and the sadness of dredging yourself to a job where it is literally just a paycheck and leaves you feeling empty everyday is worse, again to reiterate-than any other stress for the most part. There's death, sure. But it has to be a close second. Doesn't it?
Here is why I typically lose jobs for reference purposes...
1. I typically cannot (and will not) kiss ass. I mean, there's a limit to this sort of thing. A certain amount of congeniality is always necessary when on the job, but at the same time... I am not required per any job description to bend over, spread his or her cheeks and stick my nose squarely up the bosses turd-cutter. Unless your job title DOES read: Royal brown nose interviews, please prepare your nose in advance and don't forget when you leave to take one of our complimentary wet wipes!
2. I know my worth. I know my time is as valuable as anyone else's. I also know that in most cases, it is more valuable. And this: I deserve a fair pay for hard work. I refuse to let anyone take advantage of me. I am too smart, too skilled, my work ethic is too good to be underpaid for. Period.
Pay me. Fuck you.
Fired.
3. I am a professional. Period. If there is trailer park variety drama of any kind at my place of employment...I will avoid. And at some point, I will probably tell the offending parties to STFU and get back to work, which typically doesn't sit well.
Fired.
4. If you micromanage me...I will do one of 3 things. 1. I will physically harm you. 2. I will (tactfully and reasonably) tell you to go fuck yourself in so many words and do the job yourself if you can't trust the employee you hired to do it. OR 3. I will shut down and ignore you completely and do it my own way anyway, and probably get better results in the end. Most managers have uber-ego and cannot wrap their heads around this type of avoidance and eventually-the axe falls for some other made up reason.
Fired.
5. I am not good at the unexpected. I do not adjust well to drastic changes in the work place. Yes, it does happen. But...I also expect a reasonable amount of time to adjust. When this doesn't happen, I get cranky. And I tend to say things. Especially when the boss person starts complaining about mistakes. Mistakes that happen because I wasn't given enough time for adjustment. Then I say something back and point this out. Ugh.
Fired.
6. I need breaks. Meaning. I need a reasonable lunch hour, and occasional restroom or just small moments to walk away and breathe fresh air. If I don't get these things....I complain. Because It's called bodily function and it happens to be unavoidable. There's also a nicotine addiction to contend with here. I get breaks...or everyone suffers.
Fired.
7. I don't like training. I prefer to self start. I do not like having a person watch over my back while I learn the job. What I do prefer is an overview...written procedure to to follow along with and then if I have questions...I'll ask. What I do not like is the self start with zero instruction and then a ridiculous expectation of complete comfort with job description after way too small a time.
When this happens...I will point it out.
Fired.
8. If you yell, berate, insult, or lie to or about me...well, it's a given that I will insult right back, and trust me when I say...I am better at it. Period. That usually earns me an escort with a box full of my desk crap right out the door. I never feel particularly bad about this though...because you get exactly what you gave. #noregrets
Fired.
9. Speaking of giving what you get...respect is earned, and never just given freely. Also, if you disrespect me...plan on having a whole truckload of that fertilizer dumped right back on top of your big, ugly, cabeza. I will verbally fuck you up. It's pretty simple.
Fired.
10. I am not ignorant, stupid, or unable to grasp when someone is co-opting me. If you ask for my input and then take my ideas, and offer them to others as your own, I won't let it ride. I'll say something, and I'll usually do it in front of someone else...(ie) higher boss, owner, or another employee to add more shame to the deed. I will take pleasure in watching that person squirm with a full measure of displeasure. It's more satisfying than A hot cup of coffee on a fall morning. I serve evil coffee...hot and fresh. Don't steal ideas from me. Hot coffee in your face hurts. Especially the evil kind. Just sayin.
Fired.
11. If you ask for fresh ideas on how to grow your business, increase traffic to your business, revive your business, or make anything better...and I spend literally days doing the extra research to make these things happen, and you shut me down at every turn...I will assume at that point that you are just giving me busy work and I will give up. Because apparently what I do isn't enough, which also tells me that it probably never will be. Which in another turn...well, you know what happens next.
Fired.
Tell me...do these points seem unreasonable to any degree?
And seriously...what kind of bosses expect you to just be OK with the points above? I mean...I know that some people will deal with this day in and day out at their jobs. Because -much like a dysfunctional relationship-you get used to something, and you stay just because of routine and stability-but you sure aren't happy about it. Or happy, period.
I won't. I'm not a settler. I. Just. Can't.
When Mama ain't happy, ain't no one happy, as the strangely poignant song says. And I prefer happiness over the alternative. Doesn't everyone?
I mean, unless your name is Oscar...in which case, he is still happy in his misery. We all get it however we can folks.
And maybe that does make me look unemployable. Or difficult. Or even immature.
Don't care.
I'll say it again for the cheap seats.....
DON'T CARE.
One MO' time....
DON'T CARE!
If you treat me good, pay me according to the job description, listen to me, train me correctly, have reasonable expectations, respect me, and keep your venom to yourself-I will never have a reason to open my mouth and start firing my hate-gun at you. I will always be a good employee for you...work hard...help you grow...and be as loyal as I can be.
Unfortunately, for me though...all of these rules seem to be broken and I get FIRED. AGAIN.
But you know what?
As much as I have struggled with my career and with jobs of my past-I have learned a lot more than I have earned. (I mean, a LOT more...cause my earnings are laughable, kids) The phrase "Jack of all trades, master of none" is pretty much the most apropos word to describe a loser like me.
With few exceptions...
And that's kind of cool in the self- portrait of whole life experience.
Some people keep their jobs and flounder in the same industry for their entire lifetime. And what if something happens before retirement and you find yourself suddenly in the workforce and desperate to take anything?
If you worked in landscaping-for 25 years, and suddenly get laid off...and the only jobs available are now in food service. Can you honestly say you'd adjust to the service industry in any reasonable time frame?
Probably not.
Whereas me...I got that shit handled.
He was a man of logic, that Carlin
I know the job, and I also know many others...which gives me a world of knowledge and experience. A lifetime of it.
You choose to be the drone who puts up with the foul smelling death stench of sameness day in, day out. You reliable employee...you go on with your bad self -you go right ahead and let the smell envelope you, my friends. Let your poo-flag fly!
Meanwhile, I'll just be over here getting fired again. Because damnit...I am GOOD at that. (I should totally put that on my resume as a dank skill)
Ok, maybe not.
Either way I'll be happy.
Will you?
Fire me, I dare you.
There's no way I was born to just pay bills and die...
XOXO,
Number 165 in the Unemployment line.
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