This too....

...Shall Pass.


So, I am going to re-post a note from my Facebook page from one year ago today.
Mostly to memorialize the whole sad deal, and also...so you readers have some more background to the last three years of my life. And because after three weeks of not seeing my son, I'm a little blue over the whole thing. Reas the title...it's a hope, what can I say?
The last three years have been almost epic- bad in many ways.
And the reason for the blog in the first place was to make fun of myself, for one, and two-to chronicle my weight loss and lifestyle change.
The ultimate goal--to have inner peace and true happiness-not just in love, (because that area is awesome), other areas-not so much-therein lies the catharsis and self-therapizing blog. Yeah, I made that word up-whatever.


Some background:

One year ago my 16 year old son came to me and told me that he wanted a more normal teenaged life. He wanted public high school, (he was homeschooled after 8th grade until last year)
His father was offering a car, racing, football, wrestling, hunting, and all outdoor activities that he loves. Socialization also...that comes with public school.
And without going into too much detail, 6 years prior, his father tried to sue me for full custody.-after ten full years of scant child support and little involvement in his life. He lost. My son wasn't interested in leaving me at the time...but I did tell him that when he turned 16-and was old enough to make that decision on his own and give me a logical explanation-why. He could go, and I wouldn't stop him.
I didn't think he ever would.
He did.

Basically his father could offer him more. And 16 year-olds are selfish. And so the story goes.
Last year was brutal-this just being one of the reasons.

Here is the post I wrote then, and really...how I still feel now.

Enjoy, or cringe. Whatever strikes your fancy.



Drowning.

Not a great word, typically. Unless you say hmm....I am drowning in money, or love, or kittens. You know what I mean, right?

But when you say-I am drowning-without prefacing “IN” something-well, that sounds kinda bad.

Look, before we all get uber-concerned-I am fine. I am not battling major depression, or feeling hopeless, or anything of that sort. But, I do feel a little waterlogged, if you will. The reasons are many, but the one major one is THE one.

THE one I have written small snippets of in random status updates pretty recently.

Most of you have kids. Most of you are married, or happily coupled. I tend to not have a great number of singletons on my page because I am choosy about who I add to facebook-and usually, the singles (please pucker your buttholes and accept the “no offense” part of the post here) are usually drama-laden, and drama doesn’t become me in my old age. Sorry. It is what it is. Oh and, please don’t try to defend it...you know it’s true. Fuckall-when I was single I could barely stand to go back and read my posts-Because- that shit is ridiculous.

The Kids, though. Sigh.

While the young ones are pooping too much or making messes, or saying inappropriate things in public...etc. The tweens are rolling their eyes, lying to you, or pouting about something. The teens-and early adults (the category I fall under) are breaking hearts. Either their prom dates, or their mothers. I am no exception.

Recently, I met with my sons step mother and his father to start the enrollment process for him into public high school. The assistant superintendent seemed nice, albeit a bit scattered. He was genuine but really, just a gatherer of information for his department heads so we can connect all of the dots from Logan’s homeschooling for the last two years. The thing that troubled me most was the fact-that-without meaning to, I’m sure. The man seemed to focus more on step mom, and dad than me. The questions were being asked of her, not me. The talk of custody changes were directed at her, not me. And you’d think being who I am I would like that I might possibly not have to deal with the extra paperwork-but, the mom force is strong in this one. My helicopter was hovering pretty closely to the desk, so to speak. Look, folks...for the last 16 years THIS sort of thing has been my job, my career, my life. It’s much like retiring from a job, or maybe, if you’ll forgive the terrible euphemism-getting out of prison. You get used to something, and it’s a bit devastating when it’s just not there anymore. The responsibility I struggled with in prior years is now-just leaving me. And while I am no “Brooks Hatlen” (please reference your Shawshank Redemption novel now) I am trying to assimilate to life “on the outside” without going mad. It’s sure not easy, and the water is slowly settling over my head.

Relax, I can swim. Fat floats. What? You we’re thinking it...I just said it.

Now, when the meeting was over and step mom and dad asked if I had received the “lawyer papers” I cringed. Hopefully not too visibly-but there you are. I said I had, but hadn’t had a chance to look them over yet. This was a blatant lie. I have read every single word, and admit...I am probably stalling a little in sending them to my lawyer to check. I know it won’t make a difference-in early August, he will be with his father whether I have the paperwork done or not. I guess, I just can’t bring myself to jump right in, you know? When I get into my car, I pulled away feeling a bit numb. Pretty swiftly, though-that numbness turned to tears. Deep, body-wracking, heaving sobs that wouldn’t seem to stop. People in cars next to me gave concerned looks at stoplights. It was a pretty massive meltdown.

The trouble with this whole thing is that I am struggling with the idea of my own co-dependency. I know he will be fine. I know he is taking away 16 years of common sense and vital teachings, and life experience. I know that I have done pretty OK as far as he is concerned. He is truly a great kid. But, how will I be?

I know, I have a fantastic husband, and family...and friends. But, so much of my life was spent worrying-hoping-dreaming-and molding this part of ME, to be without it-so damn soon is just not in my DNA.

I had two more Goddamned years. I feel cheated.

And my purpose-where is that?

I didn’t have much of that before Logan. And figured out pretty quickly-that he was IT. Now, where is it? And a better question...how do I find another one. I have my husband. I have the purpose of being a good wife, and a good person, and so on and so forth-but Reid-with his terribly patient way knows the same emptiness. So, he is supportive and knows in time-or thinks, anyway...that this could be the best thing for all parties involved. I don’t see the surface of the water yet. I just don’t-despite trying with so much difficulty. Trying to be brave so I don’t inadvertently make Logan feel the way my father did when I went to live with my mom. Trying to uphold what’s right for him and not my own selfish bullshit. Trying so desperately to break through the water and do some hoky flip in the air like some ridiculous dolphin.

Or maybe in my case, an Asian Carp. Not nearly as graceful, and pretty Goddamned invasive.

I keep thinking, knowing me...and yes, I am chuckling at my own joke as I write it-that as soon as I do get that jump going there will be some idiot redneck there to send my ass flying with his Louisville Slugger or a spear directly through the heart.

It already feels JUST LIKE THAT. Like a spear, through the heart, only it keeps happening like a fucked up version of deja-vu, or **Dr. Strange and the time stone**

**see comic book nerd uncommon reference.

And I am still underwater. How’s that for some real hurt?

This too shall pass, as they say.

All I am asking for is a life preserver. I may float...but a little help makes it so much easier.




Clinging to the board-

XOXO,

Mother of the Year.